Out of the 60-80k times we engage in self-talk in a single day,

80% of it is negative.

That’s not an innocent Darwinian negativity bias, that’s full on belligerence.

We’re aggressive and sometimes at war with ourselves, when we can be asking better questions and speaking more kindly. 

Negative self-talk comes in all shapes and sizes

If you’re wondering what counts as self-talk, there are hundreds of insidious versions. Like these:

You know your child is upset but doesn’t want to talk about it. You engage in an entire conversation in your head. “If I was a better parent they’d want to share with me.” 

Time for your part in the work presentation. You can’t get screen share to work and 100 people are waiting on you. “What the *&#! is wrong with me. I’m the only one who can’t do this simple thing I don’t know how I even got this job. I’m an imposter.”

You’re in a cafe and a well dressed person your age walks in. In a matter of seconds you’ve assessed your own clothing, hair and food choices. “How does he look so effortlessly good. Cannot believe I put this on. I feel fat and old and ugly.”

If you’re thinking these are over the top, I promise you I’m being tame here.

The way you talk to yourself is a form of self-empathy

The way you talk to yourself can be a form of self-empathy, when it’s constructive and helpful. Given the grim statistic above, it’s obvious that no one is an expert.

People who have spent their lives studying and coaching communication [present author included] must practice it every day, because we typically apply a lot of good behavior to others, and leave ourselves for dead. 

If you’re here you must already be curious about empathy and getting more of it in your life, so we should supply an operational definition, because there are a lot floating around. 

The definition I’m working with is simply, ‘feeling with another.’

That means I don’t need to have the same experience as someone else – that’d be sympathy. I only have to conjure what their emotional state feels like in my body and mind.

The point is to come over and be with that person in their emotion. There doesn’t need to be any fixing or solutioning – not yet. Just feeling along with. 

If you lost your job and I have mine, I can empathize with your fear and anxiety by calling up my own. Maybe mine is about being an empty nester. I can feel tightness in my chest and clenching in my stomach. My mind feels panicky and scattered.

I know how occupied my thoughts are, so yours might be too. 

Is there a place for negative self-talk?

The short answer is no.

The wave of positive psychology has taught us that as long as someone’s showing up and doing the work, supportive talk is helpful talk.

This is how we find the line between when it’s OK to demand more of ourselves and thus be more direct with the self-talk, versus when to err on kindness.

If we did a hard thing and it didn’t work out, there is zero tolerance for negative self-talk.

Let’s say you tried to have an important conversation with your co-worker, partner or child and it blew up. You may reflect on it to find the reason it went sideways, but that doesn’t need to involve berating yourself. Get curious, not combative.

“Well that didn’t go like I planned. My adrenaline is through the roof, I’m now even angrier and I think they are too. How can I take a different approach? What needs to happen in the next conversation?”

As opposed to the all-or-nothing thinking we tend to employ in really bad outcomes. “I’m never talking to that person again.”

This is a very real thing. Families go to their graves with broken bonds; people quit jobs to avoid engaging again.

All emotional states are temporary. Phew.

When in heated moments, I find it insanely relieving to remember that emotions come and go.

Like all states of being, humans aren’t perpetually happy nor sad, anxious, exuberant or grieving.

It’s not how we’re wired.

And we can get much much better at rolling with the waves just by recognizing and expecting them to come and go. 

After you’ve taken brave action and it does go well, guess what we usually do?

Blow right past it.

Most of us lean so far toward the negativity bias that we don’t even realize we did something great. Tiny things like relieving a child’s stress before an exam. Giant things like opening communication after a 15 year family rift.

When you have a communication win, please talk with yourself about it!

Here’s a substantial one that I experienced a few days ago.

I attended my first all-Dutch event, as an American living in the Netherlands and just beginning to learn the language. I understood maybe 20% of what I heard, but I let the frequency of the event reach me more than the spoken words. I left feeling so accomplished and ready for the next one.

Some of my self-talk was, “I’m really glad I did that. I understood much more than I thought I would, and I felt safe. It was hard, but I’d do it again.” 

If you’re a journal person, writing helpful self-talk down is another excellent way to train your mind toward compassionate communication.

If you want a single tactic to walk away with today, it’s this

Stop should’ing all over yourself.

This was one of the best pieces of coaching advice I’ve ever gotten, from the magnificent Stephanie Marino.

She says should has no home in our vernacular. It’s a past tense wish that we can do nothing about, so why inflict it on yourself?

Think about it for a second. When has it ever helped you to consider what you could or should have done? A better way to reflect, learn and grow is to replace should with how, and make it future focused.

How is curious, not judgy.

How can I say that differently next time? How did it affect him/her when I did XYZ? How is this person coming into our conversation – what’s going on for them that I don’t know about?

This is a topic I’m so passionate about because it’s really hard to master. I spend time on it daily, at work and in my personal relationships.

I’ve created a quick podcast guide you can use to practice.

And if you want to take it further, I can help you or your team Go Inward to Engage Outward. It’s a coaching module all about working with our negativity biases.

Here’s to sweet talking yourself!